Losing Control

This is why I don't play poker anymore.

I take a beat, and I get mad and go crazy. I get pissed at the other players, my own luck, just pissed off at the world. I lose control of my emotions, my moves, everything when I get frustrated like this.

I tried playing some today, after pushing myself away from the game for 5 or 6 weeks. I just wanted to relax and enjoy myself and have a good time. And I did for a while. I played some 7-Game which was really fun, I like that Full Tilt added that to the rotation and can't wait to watch some of the really big games go. I played a couple of HU SNGs and went 1-1. I played the Daily Dollar and was cruising until I took a nasty beat. It's those beats that make me so mad sometimes, because I can't control them. Guy hits a 2-outer on the river and I'm furious, and I never used to be that way.

Every beat I took today, I kept saying to myself, "This is why I don't play poker anymore." I was so burnt out, after playing 40-some BBT events and 8 miniFTOPS events and 20-some MSOP events, I just couldn't take it anymore. I knew the burnout was coming, I could feel it coming at the end of MSOP. Every little beat felt like I was talking a hammer to the head, just pounding away. 4 months of tournaments, and grinding out points and shit, just wore me out. I spread myself too thin.

It has affected me in every part of my life. June was my last month in the house at Mason City, and I never left the house. I was either playing poker, or drinking, or sleeping. I was just a robot. I rarely went out in the evenings, although I'm not really much of a bar guy anyway. It was just "wake up, start playing poker, eat occasionally (usually ordered in), go to bed". That was my life for the June.

And every little beat made it harder and harder to keep it going. Every time I would get increasingly more pissed, to the point that my mouse took a pretty good beating (still works great amazingly). I just wanted to punch a wall. I felt like I was playing as good as I could, and it wasn't good enough. I always think about poker and golf together just because those are the two sports that I'm interested in and decent at. If I'm out playing golf, and I get a bad bounce or something, I can't let that stuff go either. So frustrating. The difference is that on the golf course, I haven't yet felt like I've played a whole round as well as I can. But that's something for another post maybe.

Everything I can control, I make sure I do. If I'm given a project, I'm all over it, and I'll go at it hard cause it's my thing. This is my project and I'm gonna get it done how I think it should be done. But with poker I felt like I couldn't control anything. Why bother if I feel like I'm leaving it all up to luck? I can console myself with the fact that I got all the money in good, but it doesn't matter if I don't get any of it back.

Nowadays, I'm just down all the time. I just don't care about anything any more, except my golf. I feel like I'm stuck in the mud, like I can't go anywhere or do anything. I haven't cared less about everything ever. I just don't even want to get out of bed in the morning; I want to stay up so late at nights so the morning doesn't come. I'm not even sure I know who I am anymore, what my identity is. I'm supposed to go back to school in a couple weeks to get my 4-year degree in Sports Administration, but I don't really care.

Something's gotta change, but I don't know what or how. I want to get back to playing poker, but I just can't if its gonna be the same way it has been. I love watching it or reading about it, but I don't think I can play for a while. Hopefully, I'll be back, I haven't even bothered withdrawing from FT (not exactly a huge balance, but its nice to have a little). We'll just see how it goes. I just don't know anymore.